‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
The real reason evolution started..😂
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?