[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Worth remembering.