No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high