Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Never forget.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok