Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
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SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Noah was an idiot.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol