MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Legend 🤣🤣
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad