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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Every house has this drawer
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective