If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????