I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me, reading some of your tweets
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Bless you
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days