My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.