They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
You Might Also Like
No regrets in 2018
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no