Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
You Might Also Like
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Thursday Thought.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.