Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
You Might Also Like
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
sugar glider wrangler
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.