GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
You Might Also Like
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week