If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.