Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.