dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.