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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Social Media and Real life
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.