son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
oppen heimer style lol
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
can’t talk my ride’s here
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N