Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
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I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo