[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.