If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
The Sun
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor