This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
time for some seasonal decor
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*