The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!