My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
notice
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”