i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!