Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset