Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-