4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
You Might Also Like
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.