hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”