This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I was bored.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.