“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My god she’s good.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead