nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?