Schrödinger’s cookie
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Well, this explains it:
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh