Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”