Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.