I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
This will never not be funny 😭
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*