I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Always
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home