(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes