I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers