There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it