Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…