me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
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Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
reduce, reuse, recycle
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
what the
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.