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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth