Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
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the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a