Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*