My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Ferrari squats
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?