Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.