And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.