[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
liiiiiiiiike
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I don’t think my car can fly
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?